Sunday, October 12, 2003

A damme good proposal.

[if I may say so myself...]
kicking > ass
The world is moving on. It is moving on to where only sci-fi writers dared to tread a few years ago. Arnold Schwartzenneger, is now the governor of California. A lump of barely differentiated muscle is leading the richest state in the US and, possibly, might soon be a presidential candidate.
This is a painful moment for us Europeans. First of all Arnie was born and bred (uncontrollably) in Austria - an EU member country. Then, whether one views this as a radically post-modern interpretation of politics-as-celebrity-competition, or as the psychological projection of a manufactured insecurity and the subconscious hope that this big, strong man, will protect an terrified populace from the bad guys that are out to hurt them, the fact of the matter remains that the US is again leading a trend.

More importantly however, there is bound to be a psychological fear factor in our dealings as Euros with the US. It's easy to say no to "W-for-wimp" Bush, but can you imagine the nerve it takes to say no to musclehead in his face? Can you imagine Chirac, Schroder [where are those damn umlauts?!], or Prodi standing up to Schwartzenneger?

Thus something must be done before Arnold moves on to claim the presidency!

So I want to call on the European (and beyond) internet community / blogosphere to get behind an important political campaign: it is time to unite our not inconsiderable (well...) voices to have the beleaguered Romano Prodi replaced with Jean Claude Van Damme! It is the only real choice our graying continent has left. Think about it, although diminutive compared to Ahhnold, it is very likely that the martial arts expert Van Damme could easily kick Arnie's ass. In fact a new possibility for international negotiations is opening, a possibility in tune with the transformation of politics and news into a Hollywood spectacle: leaders' grudge matches. You have an unresolved trade issue between the US and the EU? Let the Terminator and the "Muscles From Brussels" fight it out in a steel cage. The US wants to invade country X and the Europeans oppose this? Let the President of the US (or the Governor of California) and the President of the European Commission, slug it out. This is (comparatively) bloodless and certainly much more fun to watch than two middle aged guys talking. Also, it is bound to revive interest in politics (although politics of a rather different form than what we're used to up to now) around the world.
And the man himself is a winner: as a prospective leader/representative/avatar, he is not only a serious butt kicker, but an accomplished philosopher as well, not to mention his other rather unique and varied skills...
This proposal comes on the heels of other less ambitious ones, but let us hurry: the cunning Clint Eastwood is touting JC VD as the next governor of California! Let's not allow the US to grab another natural born leader from the EU. Let's act quickly!
So let's get together and propose a European commission that is made of men and women of steel, real superheroes... From Greece I would suggest either the incomparable traditional wrestler turned cult movie star Apostolos Souglakos (alas this is the only image of his I could find on the web), or the Greek-Australian kickboxing legend turned action star Stan "the man" Longinidis. Let's hear some more suggestions for the commission from around the Union. Let's create a pan-european movement to counter the (treacherous) Terminator's threat! Tag-team Europe - coming to kick some serious ass! California has shown us the way...
The only thing that worries me is that, if this trend goes global, Jet Li would soon be chosen president of the CP of China and the rest of the world would be in serious trouble...

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